asugarplumfairy:

this is the NSFW version of this for all y’all dirty lil monkeys

intro is the same so if you just want the smut it’s under the cut

cullen x lavellan dont even ask me anymore

---

All was quiet.

He had successfully convinced Josephine that he was just confirming precisely where his missing soldiers had last been seen. He strolled casually down the hall to the war room, sunlight filtering through the cracks in the wall that had yet to be repaired. And as Cullen pushed open the heavy door, he briefly wondered if he should leave it open to be able to see anyone coming, or if he should close it to take advantage of the soundproofing.

He compromised and left the door open just a crack, then walked over to his usual spot around the large table, an indescribable expression on his face that was somewhere between cautiousness and sheepishness.

He looked up, and somehow the almost indistinguishable crack in the door made him feel more uneasy than secure. Retracting his former judgment, he scurried around the table and carefully closed the door fully.

Cullen resumed his place at the table, running his fingers over the enormous map of Thedas, resting on the marker where his soldiers were. He was a man of his word, at the least.

He flicked his eyes up to the closed door, double-checking that he was, indeed, alone.

“I’m a dirty barbarian who likes to snatch up your soldiers because I’m mean and nasty and I like making extra work for the Inquisition,” Cullen said quietly in a comically low voice, curling his lip up into a mocking sneer on the side where his pale scar curved up from.

He scratched at the stubble on his chin as he cast another quick glance around the room. He slyly reached for an unused war marker and pushed it close to the first one.

“Eat your words, savage filth! I’ll make you pay for capturing the Commander’s troops!” Cullen whisper-shouted in a higher voice.

“Oh look, it’s the Inquisitor! Let’s get ‘er!” he countered in the first tone.

He marched “the Inquisitor” closer to the first map marker while grabbing another one from the side.

“Inquisitor, don’t go! They’ll kill you!” he said in his normal voice.

“Don’t you worry, brave Ser Cullen. I’ll find a way back to you.”

That last bit sent a red blush creeping up his neck and burning the tips of his ears as he knocked the “barbarian” marker over with the Inquisitor.

“Yaaaah!”

He set the Inquisitor down and reached over to set the first marker upright again.

“You thought I was done, did you? Well, think again!”

Cullen grabbed a handful of unused markers and set them down between the barbarian and the Inquisitor.

“You opened a Fade Rift?? But how?”

He let out his best attempt at an evil laugh. “It doesn’t matter, you’ll be dead soon, anyway! Demons, attack!”

He pushed the horde closer to the lone Inquisitor.

“Noooo! There are too many!”

Cullen did his best impression of a heralding trumpet and used his marker to knock two of the “demons” flying off the table.

“Have at you, demons!”

“Oh noooo! It’s the Inquisition and their military adviser, that absolute hunk, Ser Cullen!”

He knocked the rest of the markers down.

“Meet your end, foul creatures!”

“We stood no chance! Cuuuurses!”

He moved the Inquisitor’s marker close to his own.

“Oh, Ser Cullen, you’re so strong and clever and very, very virile.”

“Why, thank you, Inquisitor.”

He scooted the two right next to each other.

“Mmm, Commander, I could just smooch you allll day.”

He touched the little marker heads next to each other and made kissing noises until he heard the very distinct sound of someone clearing their throat, at which point he dropped the two map markers and swept his arm across the table instinctively, knocking all the map markers down as his entire face turned bright red.

Cullen looked up slowly, knowing in his heart of hearts exactly who was standing there while desperately wanting to let himself believe it was anyone- anyone else.

But lo and behold, he looked up and there the Inquisitor stood, arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk that made her look like the cat that had swallowed the canary.

“Ser Cullen, is that really what I sound like?”

Keep reading