if you say you didn’t have a crush on ricky ullman when you were younger you’re lying

phil of the future was one fine piece of ass

them: how are you? what’s up? you doing well??
me: *finger guns*
them: …that’s not really an answer
me: *finger guns as i back out of the room*

me: i need to save money

me: (gets paycheck)

me:

the-host-club:

haha no i wouldnt say i like anime that much ha ha (tugs nervously on collar of shirt) (tugs too hard and accidentally rips off shirt to reveal full body ouran high school host club tattoo)

jamiebenn:

if you listen carefully you can hear me whisper “shut the fuck up” at least once every five minutes

in france

someone: oui
me: ARE THE CRYSTAL GEMS

me: so do you play the sims?
date: no, it’s a bit childish don’t you think?
me, shoving breadsticks into my purse: floopwa zacho sanma co voozoo opan

future child: I had a bad dream. Will you sing me a song to make me feel better?
me: of course sweetie
me: THIS IS GARNET. BACK TOGETHER

me as a parent

me (holding my first child): his name is steven
my parents: aw what a nice name!
me (holding my second child): her name is ruby
my parents: well that’s an unusual name but very pretty
me (holding my third child): her name is lapis
my parents: god damn it IS THIS ABOUT THAT FUCKING CARTOON

The signs as Shakespearean stage directions

Aries: He wrings him by the ears
Taurus: Re-enter PUCK, and BOTTOM with an ass’s head
Gemini: All put on their masks
Cancer: Leaps into the grave
Leo: Exit pursued by a bear
Virgo: Scattering flowers
Libra: Wall holds up his fingers
Scorpio: Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches
Sagittarius: Throws up another skull
Capricorn: The Fairies sing
Aquarius: Enter a messenger with two heads and a hand
Pisces: Enter the Ghosts of the two young Princes