Warden: Hey Alistair? Can I talk to you about something?
Alistair: (oh god she’s talking to me)
Alistair: (ok ok ok breathe)
Alistair: (play it cool, you got this)
Alistair: (just a simple “ok” or a “sure” will do)
Alistair: (here goes)
Alistair: YeeeeEEEEEeeeEes?
Warden: Um
Alistair: (mm whatcha say)
-lovingly cared for laptop, no longer any recognizable brand but an amalgam of new and improved parts
-starts wearing his fall jacket too early, doesn’t switch to his winter one until he risks losing fingers
-likes every picture his friends ever post on Facebook, Instagram.
-always carries a deck of cards
-window down, arm out the side of the car, sleeves rolled up radio blaring
-170, 638 unread emails, replies to text messages 5 min later or less
-raucous laughter at bars, always orders nachos for the table, knows every bar with a karaoke night in the city
-profile picture showing just his jawline and chest hair
-40% tipper
-sunglasses tucked into his shirt or pushed up onto his forehead, constantly using his hand to shade his eyes
-orders cheapest beer on the menu by the pitcher, complains about it all night
-YouTube channel on which he reads trashy romance novels in increasingly overdramatic voices
-wears/displays gag gifts proudly, owns 5+ ‘my best friend went to _____ and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’ shirts.
-books strewn over every horizon lay surface in his house, propping up furniture, uses a hardcover as a doorstop
-sprawls over entire table at coffee shops, pages of manuscript everywhere and red ink on his fingers
-sends ‘I love you man’ texts when drunk
– Coconut oil is great for boob sweat smelliness (it works for me, however if you’re protein sensitive or prone to body acne you might not want to do this)
– Diluted essential oils, natural deodorant or antiperspirant for thigh chafing.
– Crop tops? WEAR THEM.
– They want you to ride their face but you’re scared? Do it. They’re grown. They will find a way to breathe. You won’t crush them, I promise.
– Afraid to have sex with the lights on? Girl, they knew what they signed up for, flaunt them stretch marks. Guarantee you that your confidence will turn them on even more.
– Double chin troubles? Search for contouring videos on youtube
– Having trouble with confidence? Walk with your shoulders back and your head high, I promise you it works
-Scared to eat in fear of judgment? Please eat, they’re probably not paying you any attention and if they are? Fuck em
– Worried about if you could get away with wearing that? Well I’m telling you that you CAN.
– Friends who make negative comments about your weight are not your friends !!!!
And last but not least important, ALWAYS remember:
reckless & terribly gay 